We enter tha Raven Queen’s realm and find a bunch o’ unded just a runnin’ around. What tha hell are they doin’ here? I didn’t think tha Raven Queen cared for tha’ crap. Things get back ta normal when tha not-ded things start ta smackin’ us. And smackin’ us. And smackin’ us. The little beasties have me planted in tha ground and keet a suckin’ the life out o’ me. When I finally smack one back it dies with a god awful racket. It’s enough ta make me head spin. Their buddies did tha more traditional smack down but was a bit harder ta kill.
When that is finished we moved on ta tha Raven Queen’s throne room. Well, we found what we came for. Tha Raven Queen is a stuck ta tha floor with a great big crystal goin’ straight through her and inta the forr. An’ tha biggest f$$kin’ demon I ever seen is just suckin’ the god right out o’ her. Usin’ tha’ crystal ta do it too. Damn! Tha’ looks like it hurts. I sure know she ain’t lookin’ ta good. One o’ these bright bulbs I been a surroundin’ myself with lately says tha’ the demon is Orcus. Tha’ kinda explains all o’ tha unded things around here. Before we can even ask what’s goin’ on, Orcus tells us he wants ta be a god! I think he’s gettin’ ta big for his breeches. Ass hole. Oh and now he’s a tellin’ us we’re gonna be the first to be judged!
Well, it’s on!
But first we gotta play with his toys. There’s more o’ them screamin’ things and they got some bigger buddies with them. And right off I get my self stuck ta’ the floor. Again. Dammit. Ha, sure am glad Gurdis showed up, he’s killin’ tha little bastards so fast I had a stack o’ dead screamers in front o’ me. Next thing tha’ happens; Bronk takes off and gets his ass caught by some rock trap o’ Orcus’. Just like old times! Sorta brings a tear to me eye.
As we move along towards Orcus his big toys keep holdin’ us up. I have no idea why he’s just sittin’ in that throne. It don’t hold his great big ass anyway. But these Orcus ghost toys are a bitch to hurt! On top o’ tha’ they keep sappin’ all my strength. But I am able to keep their attention while everybody else beats ‘em down.
Finally we move on ta Orcus. He has this ghosty aura all around him. Little things keep grabbin’ at me feet. When I’m about ta get close the big demon summons a bunch of skeletons. Ya can’t even get close ta them before they smack ya. The Raven Queen cries out for us to come save her; Orcus must be gettin’ close ta god hood. Gotta figure a way to get that big crystal shard out o’ her.
But first we gotta play with Orcus’ new toys. Again. Dammit. Akkip (why does that name sound so familiar) gets ta her first. I keep gettin’ slowed down. It makes 30’ look like a mile. And surprise, Orcus is cheatin’! Every time we kill a bunch o’ his skeletons they just come back out o’ that dark mist all around ‘im. This is takin’ forever, but Summit has a fix. She beats Orcus so hard the black mist falls off o’ ‘im. Stops his toys from commin’ back too. That’ll let me get to the Queen to help Akkip ‘n Gurdis. They had been focusin’ on the Queen and had started gettin’ tha’ stupid crystal out o’ her. I grabbed it and pulled, but could only just budge it. Damn thing hurt too. I guess playin’ with god killin’ crystals wasn’t all that smart. The smart guys figure out what its doin’ ta her an’ three of us finally heal her enough to get it out. That is one big ugly lookin’ crystal. All this kind o’ magical crap is gay, yet highly profitable, anyway.
And surprise, Orcus is all pissed off! He needs ta take some anger management classes. He demands his shard back, but he can kiss my hairy dwarf ass. He’s gotta come an’ get it. We start chasin’ ‘im all around tha room. He must not have anythin’ else up his armbands ‘cause he ain’t able ta kill us fast enough. Just when I think we’re gonna beat him down he goes and teleports off ta his home in the abyss. Son of a bitch, I hate it when they do that. I think I’m gonna have “Orcus is a pussy” carved into my axe handle.
After Orcus flees, the Raven Queen wakes up. ‘Bout time, could o’ use the help. Appears she wants the crystal back. How do ya’ politely tell a goddess to go f&&k herself? I guess ya don’t ‘cause all that came outta my mouth was “yes mam” as I hurried to over to put it in her hand. At least she didn’t make me crawl over and then kiss her feet too. She had god goo all over ‘em.
Well, I hear Moradin callin’ me. Looks like I get ta’ be one of his own personal godlings. I guess this is tha’ end o’ the line here. I’m goin’ ta dwarf heaven to beat stuff down for the Soul Forger. I leave this journal to my ma & pa as a history o’ what I did. Hope they ain’t too pissed off about gettin’ no grand kids. I’m too ugly for that.