Our latest mission was to find the Raven Queen, apparently somebody misplace their god. So hey, we weren’t doing anything, we’ll find your stupid god. We followed a long and epic trail of clues, villainy, and various piles of loot to some Kord forsaken tomb where the Queen should’ve been. Well, I guess she was there. It’s just that she managed to get herself into the position of “Orcus’s Little Bitch”. The big beastie jabbed her with a fancy shard with a little shiny thread hanging from it. The paladin (who, by the way, has been nagging us about finding the Raven Queen this whole time) said something about the gray thread sucking her divine being blah blah blah, gonna die, blah blah, end of the world, blah blah whatever.
It just so happened there were also 28 undead things that needed getting re-deaded. And that’s a job that requires only one tool: 1 Metric Bronk (We use the Standard size for Oozes).
The stinkier ones bum rushed us and surrounded us. Well that was just fine, Spicy Fresh: The Great Executioner’s Blade was just itching for some exercise! Spicy was a little cold though as the first couple of swings went a bit wide. Ya, that’s what I want. At least the guy with the pointy finger took out the first wave for us. With a clear path to some chunkier looking demons, I seized the moment and charged ahead! Now it get’s interesti… hey now. That black freakin’ pillar with no apparent purpose had one: It’s a Bronk magnet! Oh good, this is nice. I have no interest in killing things that need killing. No, please stick me to a pole instead.
With a little prodding ‘n poking, we got the pillar to turn off. Finally, time for some real action! Spicy Fresh is gonna dismember something or three! I spotted a rather bony demon that had a complete set of digits and extremities. I’d say that’s a prime target: I charge him.
Whiff… Spicy came from a demon, in The Abyss. Seriously, this is the kind of output it’s gonna give me today? Yep, I totally want that.
Plus, it didn’t help that Orcus wouldn’t shut up: “I’ll judge you this, I’ll conquer the world that” Blah. Sounds like somebody’s got daddy issues if you ask me. But the party seemed to take some additional interest in the Queen and that little shard stuck in her. So while Spicy Fresh is apparently recalibrating, I’ll show’em how to handle this shard thing. It’s simple: what does every cleric tell you when you get shot with an arrow? “Don’t pull it out, you’ll make it worse.” No problem, I got this: instead of pulling it out and making things worse, I’ll just punch it the rest of the way through and knock it out the rest of the way out. Ya, turns out that didn’t go as planned. The Raven Queen actually used the phrase, “Please don’t help me.” So back to Plan A, getting my murder on.
And hey, Princess Orcus is right here! Orcus is about to get a taste of my World Serpent Rage!!
Whiff… No, wait. This is the World Serpent Rage we’re talking about: WHHIIFFFFFFF!
Ya, that’s awesome. That’s why I traveled to The Abyss, took on Errtu, and liberated Spicy Fresh. This is what epic axes handed down from rulers of the planes through the eons and across the planes do. They do this. They whiff. Yep. Totally awesome. The axe that sundered 3ft. thick adamantium fortress doors! The blade killed an entire council of fire giants conspiring to conquer the Sword Coast! The great weapon of the gods that divided kingdoms (well, kings anyways (at least, that’s what he said he was))! So of course missing horribly is what I need right now. Yep, when taking on the prime evil that threatens eternity for all beings, this is EXACTLY what I want!! And I’m pretty sure I heard a giggle with a dwarven accent right about then.
So the rest of the funky bunch got the shard out, they saved The Raven Queen, and they ran off Orcus. I, on the other hand, got hit a lot,spent a large quantity of time lying on the ground, and put up the kind of fight that would put the
fear of Kord nervous concern into a wet paper bag. I’m staying home next time somebody loses a god.